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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 19, 2012 11:30pm-12:00am PDT

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>> jon: that's our show. join us us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> to h
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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[crowd chanting stephen's name] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report begun everybody. thank you so much for join us. heros, all, have a seat. nation, the 2012 presidential election is right around the corner, and it will all come down to a clash of ideas: do we want bigger government, gay marriage, and class warfare? or do we prefer mitt romney's message: "i look like a president." [ laughter ] that's why i'm so excited about the upcoming presidential debates. every four years, i play a little drinking game where i take a shot of bourbon as soon as the debates start, and don't stop until election day. [ laughter ] i always win. [ laughter ] both candidates are already in training.
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in fact, obama has picked his sparring partner. >> president obama tapping senator kerry to help him with debate rehearsals. the 2004 democratic presidential nominee will pay the role of governor mitt romney in mock debates. >> stephen: obama has chosen kerry to play mitt romney? [ laughter ] that is shocking-- somebody chose john kerry for something. [ laughter ] but, folks, i don't know if kerry is up to playing romney. in 2004 kerry was a compromise candidate. in 2012, romney's a consensus candidate. kerry couldn't connect with voters. romney can't relate to the electorate. [ laughter ] kerry was in a toss-up race against an unpopular incumbent. but romney is in a tight contest against an unpopular sitting president! it's like they're from completely different pages of a thesaurus! [ laughter ] still, now that i know john kerry will be debating president
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obama, i have no choice but to throw my full support behind john kerry. this is the man america needs to defeat barack obama. who better to face america's challenges than a man with so much face? [ laughter ] what's more, john kerry is a war hero. meanwhile, obama avoided the vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically 8. [ laughter ] for shame! for shame! [ laughter ] and obama's going to need all the help he can get because romney is surging, thanks in part to his new secret weapon. long-time viewers know that every year i declare a sport of the summer. last year, it was the elegant art of canoe-dancing. [ laughter ] yes, canoe dancing. yes, all the drama of broadway with the excitement of drowning.
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[ laughter ] well folks, last week, i declared that this year's sport of the summer will be dressage, or horse ballet. next year, who knows? perhaps canoe-dressage. [ laughter ] but for now, this is our new national past time. it's as american as baseball. except in baseball, there's slightly more horse testosterone. [ laughter ] and folks, our future first family is already the first family of dressage. the romneys are the proud owners of a champion oldenburg mare named rafalca. ♪ no better way to dispel the myth that mitt romney is a detached patrician elite than competitive horse prancing. [ laughter ] it's basically nascar in a
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velvet top hat. [ laughter ] this weekend rafalca was vying for the olympic team, so last week i gave rafalca the colbert bump, to push her over the top and onto the london games. [ laughter ] well, hold on to your lipizaners, because the trials are over and rafalca made the olympic team! [cheers and applause] yes! i did it! i horsed it! [cheers and applause] eat it, neeeeiiiighh-sayers. [ laughter ] jimmy, crank up the jockey jams! ♪ aruba, jamaica, ooh, i want to take you to bermuda, bahama, come on pretty mama ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪
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that's where we want to go way down to kokomo. incidentally, i am available to stud. [ laughter ] nation, this is a great day for america-- but it puts enormous pressure on the athlete. if rafalca wins, we could see her face on a box of wheaties! if she loses, on a bottle of elmer's. [ laughter ] sad, sad, but it's true. [ laughter ] and the huge part i played here did not go unnoticed by brian o'connor, "the voice of dressage." jim? >> first of all, i'd like to give a big shout out to mr. steve colbert.
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we're very pleased that you were able to give us a wonderful prep for our national championship. we have had a great response from the wonderful and understanding fans of dressage or dressage usa here in gladstone, new jersey. >> stephen: oh, that's embarrassing. i've been pronouncing it "dressage." evidently, it's "dress-age." thank you, brian, for that mess-age. [ laughter ] and, folks, to thank me for the bump, ann romney and the united states equestrian federation made me this video using my contribution to dressage -- budweiser and red foam fingers. ♪
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that's it. i've created a new dressage tradition. i'm going to be as famous as viscount heinrich fusselbridge, inventor of the fancy trot! [ laughter ] rafalca is now america's sweetheart. we're all going to love her just as much as ann romney does. >> i joke that i'm going to have to send her to betty ford for addiction to horses. [ laughter ] >> stephen: ha, ha, ha ha. good one. i'm right there with ya on the addiction. i wish there was a way to shoot horse right into my veins! [ laughter ] some nights i just want to ride the white pony. [ laughter ] so we're all in agreement. the colbert nation is going to do for olympic dressage what we did for olympic speed skating. i won't rest until all the horses are properly equipped. imagine how much more gracefully they'll dance on skates! sad news, after this photo was
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taken, that horse had to be put down. [ laughter ] somehow it broke all four of its legs. not sure what happened. [ laughter ] not entirely sure what happened. ann romney, i'm responding to your response-- and inviting you to respond on my show and teach me dressage. i've already got my velvet hat, my riding crop, and thighs that were born for jodhpurs. [ laughter ] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back. thank you so much. folks, as a prominent libertarian, i've never been a fan of the mistaken idea that, to have a functioning society, we must all make individual sacrifices for a common good--the so-called social contract. sorry, but i don't sign in any contract that hasn't been negotiated by my agent james dixon, jimmy dix, baby doll. i demand that in exchange for my participation in mankind, i
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receive 2.5 percent, non-adjusted gross back-end on your humanity. [ laughter ] i'm sorry, that's a deal breaker. luckily i'm not the only one who feels that way. because rather than raise taxes, legislatures all over the united states have drastically cut funding to all sorts of community services. like schools, parks, and police departments. oh without, schools, parks, and police departments, it's gonna get scary out there. not for me, 'cuz i don't live out there. [ laughter ] i live in beautiful lake orchard sycamore pine oak field estates. it's a gated community. and if the permit clears, a moated community. [ laughter ] a place where i am forever protected from violent crime, by which i mean loud music after 9 pm. of course, we still have some bad seeds. for instance, some common street thug keeps stealing my decorative house flags. just this year they've made off
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with my thanksgiving cornucopia, my christmas "frosty having a snowball fight," my mlk day "martin on the mountaintop." [ laughter ] and my flag day "flag with a picture of a flag on it," [ laughter ] and there's one crime that rocks my suburban community to its core. of course, i'm talking about unscooped dog poop on my lawn. i call it public enemy number 2. [ laughter ] happens all too often and there is no way to know who the offender is. and i need to know. this is my lawn we're talking about. this isn't some lousy perennial ryegrass or st. augustine or zoysia or shade-loving fesque. fescue? (bleep) you! [ laughter ] this is kentucky bent-leaf blue! it's like the augusta national golf course out there. i cut it low and smooth, it's like putting on a baby's ass. [ laughter ]
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luckily, a new crime-busting service known as "pooprints" is using forensic dna testing to help communities take fecal matters into their own hands. jim? [ laughter ] >> under the program, each dog who lives here must have their dna registered. when droppings are found here on the complex, it's sent to the lab to be tested, and the matching dog's owner gets notified. it's a hundred dollars for the first offense. another hundred dollars for the second offense. and, no more dog. >> stephen: i'm sure they don't put the dog down. they just send it to a maximum security farm upstate. [ laughter ] and it comforts me to know that i can now protect my precious acreage from these poop-atraters [ laughter ] by using the same advanced genetic facilities that are all normally used to solve murders. we have some dramatic footage of the pooprints technicians at work.
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>> see, once it dried, the pattern revealed itself. you see this discoloration here. >> it looks like the tread from a boot. [ laughter ] >> stephen: looks like it's time for somebody-- to do their duty. ♪ [cheers and applause] i just wish advanced techniques like pooprints could be used to stop all the criminal nuisances plaguing lake orchard sycamore pine oak field estates. [ laughter ] i mean, we've got thousands of satellites in space. can't just one of them be dedicated to nailing the sociopath who keeps putting plastic in my glass recycling? and why is there no infrared heat-mapping technology to identify the pint-sized perps who keep peeing in the clubhouse [ laughter ] pool. and for the love of god, i need a predator drone to take out the squirrels who keep chewing through my trash can lids. i'm not running some kind of goddamn squirrel motel.
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because i believe no effort or expense should be spared when it comes to solving the most important problems on earth: mine. [ laughter ] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody my guest tonight is here to talk about her new movie "people like us." oh good, i'm so tired of people like them. please welcome olivia wilde. [cheers and applause] so nice to meet you. thank you so much for coming on. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: movie is called "people like us" do i have that right? >> it could be people like us or people like us. >> stephen: i love that idea. i hate movies about people other than me. >> yeah. this one is of those movies. >> stephen: this is like a family drama, small, a lot of feelings. please tell me that there's some cgi or explosions or what point you are in a neon cat suit.
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>> it doesn't happen. >> stephen: doesn't happen? >> yeah. >> stephen: let's see what happened. jimmy, let's watch a bit of "people like us." >> where did you get that? >> my dad $150,000. [ laughter ] he left a woman whose kid is my -- in theory the kid is my nephew. >> i don't understand how could you have a nephew you don't have any brothers or sisters. >> i do now. >> oooh. >> stephen: you were acting. >> i was acting hard. >> stephen: you are a serious actress is. >> yeah, oh, yeah. >> stephen: there's something that might get in the way of you being taken as a serious actor, okay? >> what is that. >> stephen: you are one of maxim's hot 100. >> so you are you! >> stephen: i was number 69
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what number were you? >> you got 69? >> stephen: yes. what number you were you? >> that's the goal. i got five. respectable. >> stephen: you really think you are 64 sexy points more than i am? >> no, no, no. >> stephen: do you think people seeing you as a sexy person holds you back? i think it holds me back a little bit. i feel like a piece of meat sometimes. >> it's tricky but we make it. we get through. [ laughter ] >> stephen: are you mocking me? >> oh, god no, no, no. >> stephen: i wanted to make sure. i would not stand mockery, madam. >> i would never. >> stephen: you are also liberal. >> yes. >> stephen: okay. you campaigned for obama. >> i did. >> stephen: are you going to do it again? >> i am. >> stephen: why? i mean you liberals have got to be disappointed in him. >> i would say disappointed is not the word that i would use.
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>> stephen: name the top three things that disappoint you about him. >> it's an interesting question. >> stephen: i'm an interesting personth i did a twitter poll and in order it was drones in pakistan, it was drug policy and guantanamo. and i thought it was interesting. those are the topics that will come up during the campaign and the conversations that need to happen. i'm in the a blind supporter but i'm in favor of having the discussions. >> stephen: wouldn't it be better to have a president who engages in horse dance something in. >> we can't have it all. [ laughter ] >> stephen: you would -- do you ride? >> i have done -- i have -- >> stephen: have you done dressage? i have. i did. [ laughter ] >> stephen: you see you've got more in common with mitt romney. >> oh, no! no! >> stephen: you kind of just endorsed mitt romney you realize. >> no. >> stephen: yes, that's how we're going to edit this interview when we're done.
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>> i'm wearing my dogs against romney pin. dogs against romney. [ applause ] >> stephen: you are refer together fact that mitt romney gave his dog the treat of riding on top of his car driving, i think from boston top mopt ral. >> yeah. >> stephen: and the dog loved it. he had diarrhea with excitement. >> he got a shower mid ride and put back in the cage on top of car. >> stephen: have you traveled with a full family in a station wagon? >> no. >> stephen: i wouldn't mind being on top. >> it's not right. it's not right. >> stephen: it seems that, you and i cannot agree on romney. >> we tried. >> stephen: we've come to a meeting of minds on dressage. >> dress-age. >> stephen: i apologize. and believe you me, correcting me over the pronunciation of dress-age does not at all make you seem like a d-bag.
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[ laughter ] and we -- maxim says you are sexier than i am but i bet i could outact you. >> did you see that scene in i don't know if you do -- >> stephen: you do stare at chris pine very strongly. i bet i could act harder than you. will you accept the challenge? >> i accept. i accept. >> stephen: put us side by side, please. ready? happy. [ laughter ] [ laughter ] sad. [ laughter ] surprised? it's so big. [ laughter ] friend. -- friend. fine line -- frieghtenned.
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fine line. >> do you a lot of hand work. >> stephen: all the best actors use their hands. angry. angry! [ laughter ] aroused. [ laughter ] >> stephen: all right. all right. that's enough. it's a family show. okay, ladies and gentlemen vote for who you think acted harder. >> not bad. >> stephen: just harder. was it me? [cheers and applause] okay. it was me. olivia, thank you so much. >> no! >> stephen: olivia wilde. olivia wilde, "people like us"
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in theaters june 29th. we'll be right back.